I'll tell you a story, believe me it's true
a tale you'd best hope never happens to you old spicy mcHaggis,
how he met his fate you I can save, but for him it's too late

Spicy was big, burly and strong his pipes were gigantic,
and so was his schlong from city to city running around looking for chicks over four hundred pounds

One night at the pub a girl caught his eye big as a house,
just the right size the broad was enormous,
stacked to the hilt spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt
the piper delivered his best pick-up line thought to himself,
"this beast is all mine" the portly young lady could stand for no more
grabbed his cojones and went for the door

They got to her house and dimmed all the lights
Spicy was in for one hell of a night he said that he loved her,
he'd always be true "But Mr. McHaggis, I've only just met you!!"

By now he saw double through his drunken eyes
neither had looks or appropriate size he came to his sense,
thought to himself, "At this time of night I won't find nothing else" he took off his shirt,
she lifted her skirt, they pulled out his unit and stared to play she asked for a glove,
he gave her a shove, had baby McHaggis nine months to-the-day.

Three packs a day, he'll smoke 'til he dies Spicy McHaggis, one hell of a guy!